Cid vs. NORG
by Carbuncle
Summary: Cid and NORG have yet another argument, so they decide to fight each other. Squall worries that Cid might not have what it takes to be a winner, so he helps him train. Zell lets everyone take a bet, and all hell breaks loose in the training centre. This i


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Cid vs. NORG  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the hallway. Selphie, wearing her SeeD uniform, is walking towards the lobby)  
Cid: (from further down the hallway) You son of a bitch! Why are you being like this?!  
Selphie: Ooh, I heard a swear word!  
Cid: (from further down the hallway) Yeah? Well, I hate you, too!  
Selphie: (hugs herself) Everybody! Love! And peace!  
Cid: (approaches Selphie) Hey, you there! What are you doing?  
Selphie: Um, me?  
Cid: Yeah!  
Selphie: I'm on my way to the front gate. I have to go to Timber to see a man about a cat.  
Cid: Well, then what are you hanging around here for?! Go now!  
Selphie: Jeez, I'm going! I'm going!  
  
(Cut to the front gate. Squall and Zell are there, also dressed in their SeeD uniforms)  
Squall: I wonder where Selphie is? We're gonna miss the train to Timber if she doesn't hurry up.  
Zell: Relax, Squall, I'm sure she'll be here any minute now. (pause) Yep, any minute now Selphie'll come running over shouting, "Woo-hoo! Are you two ready to kick some serious butt?!" (pause) Goddammit! Where the hell is she?!  
Selphie: (approaches) Woo-hoo! Are you two ready to whop some serious butt?!  
Zell: (to Squall) Eh, close enough!  
Squall: Hurry up, Selphie. We're late enough already.  
  
(Cut to Timber, the train station. Squall, Zell and Selphie all get off the train)  
Squall: Okay everyone, we're supposed to meet our contact here, so don't move from this spot.  
Selphie: So we can't even explore for a while? Major bummer!  
Watts: (approaches) Thank goodness you're here, sir!  
Squall: Don't tell me you're our contact?!  
Watts: That I am, sir!  
Squall: Okay. What do you want?  
Watts: The Forest Owls need your help, sir! Our official mascot, Smokey the Cat, is stuck high up on that rooftop over there!  
Zell: You gotta be kiddin' me?!  
Squall: Your official mascot is a cat?!  
Watts: Yes, sir!  
Squall: (sighs) Okay, Zell, Selphie, let's do it.  
Watts: Thank you, sir! Follow me! (the party shrug, and then follow him)  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the lobby. Squall, Zell and Selphie, who look very exausted, stumble in through the doors)  
Zell: That's the last time we do anything for the Forest Owls...  
Selphie: I'd never felt so humiliated in all my life.  
Squall: Yeah, but you have to admit it was pretty funny when you fell off the roof like that.  
Selphie: Hmph! I'm not laughing, Squall!  
Cid: (from further down the hallway) Again?! Bu... But I only did it a few hours ago!  
Squall: Huh? That sounded like Headmaster Cid...  
Cid: (from further down the hallway) Can't you do it yourself?!  
Zell: Oh, God! He's talkin' to himself - the first sign of madness!  
Cid: (from further down the hallway) All right, fine! I'll do it! (approaches the party) You three! What are you up to?!  
Squall: We've just returned from Timber. We were called in to help the Forest Owls.  
Cid: Oh, then carry on.  
Squall: Is everything okay, Cid?  
Cid: Yes, why?! Shouldn't it be?!  
Squall: I dunno. You seem... stressed or angry or something.  
Cid: I... I'm fine! Get back to class, all of you! (walks off)  
Zell: Who put the rat up his ass?  
Squall: I dunno. I think we better stay out of his way for the time being.  
Selphie: Well, I'm going to get out of this uniform... (Squall and Zell smile) ...and change into my normal clothes. (skips off down the hallway)  
Zell: (to Squall) Dude, knock it off! You've already got a girlfriend!  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Rinoa and Irvine are sitting at their usual table)  
Irvine: I wonder if Selphie and the others are back from Timber yet.  
Rinoa: Yeah, it sure does get lonely here when they leave, huh?  
Irvine: Uh huh... (they stare at each other for a while, and it looks like they may kiss, but Squall and Zell, both in their normal clothes, burst in)  
Squall: We're back.  
Rinoa: (surprised) Oh, Squally! I'm so happy to see you! (gets up and hugs him)  
Squall: Uh, thanks I think. So what have you two been up to?  
Irvine & Rinoa: Nothing!!!  
Squall: ...okay.  
Zell: Sh--------it!  
Squall: Zell, what the hell is wrong with you?!  
Zell: I have a bad itch! Yeow! Scratch me! Scratch me!  
Squall: Are you on some kind of medication, Zell?  
Zell: (normal again) No. What makes you say that?  
Cid: (over the loudspeaker) Squall Leonheart, please come to my office immediately.  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Squall is standing in front of the old fart, who is sitting at his desk)  
Cid: Now, Squall, I called you here because I need a small favour.  
Squall: What?  
Cid: I need you to take this document down to the basement and hand it over to NORG, so he can sign it for me.  
Squall: Why can't you do it?  
Cid: B... Because... I... I'm busy here.  
Squall: (sighs) ...whatever. Hand it over.  
Cid: Really?! Thank you! Tell him that he'll need to sign along the dotted line.  
Squall: (sighs) ...fine. (leaves the room)  
  
(Cut to the basement. NORG and two of the Garden Faculty are there. Squall approaches the giant shumi)  
Squall: Master NORG, I bring you an important document from Headmaster Cid.  
NORG: Why couldn't the old fart deliver it himself?!  
Squall: Um, he says he's very busy at the moment.  
NORG: Pathetic! I'll bet the stupid bookworm was too scared to come down here!  
Squall: Uh, that could be right, oh, wise one.  
NORG: Don't do that. My butt is for sitting, not for kissing.  
Squall: (hands him the paper) Here you go.  
NORG: (reading) "Balamb Garden, blah, blah, blah, founded by Headmaster Cid, blah, blah, blah, Garden Faculty, blah, blah, hot dog supply, blah, blah..." Hmph! Just as I thought! What a waste of good paper! (rolls the document into a ball, swallows it, then lets out a loud burp)  
Squall: ?  
NORG: Tell Cid he can just suck my-  
Cid: (from the elevator) You son of a bitch! How could you eat that document?! Do you know how important it was?! (runs in)  
NORG: Bite me, old fart!  
Cid: Don't call me that!  
NORG: Old fart! Old fart! Old fart!  
Cid: Son of a bitch!  
NORG: Bookworm!  
Cid: Fat ass!  
NORG: Loser!  
Cid: Yellow belly!  
NORG: Butt-face!  
Cid: ...Squall, help me out here. You know any good insults?  
Squall: Uh... Not any that I can say in a PG-13 fanfic.  
Cid: What? Fanfic?  
Squall: Huh? Did I mention the word fanfic?  
Cid: NORG, you've made fun of me for the last time! I choose you!  
NORG: ...for what?  
Cid: I challenge you to a fight! Tomorrow, the Training Center, 15:00hrs!  
Squall: Cid, are you sure about this?!  
Cid: Don't try to change me, baby!  
NORG: (laughs) All right, old fart! I accept your challenge! I'll be there!  
Cid: ...gr... great!  
NORG: I'll crush you like a little bug!  
Cid: ...wh... whatever you say!  
NORG: And then I'll cover your dried up, old corpse with ketchup, and eat you for dinner!  
Cid: ...br... bring it on!  
NORG: See you tomorrow, queef!  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Squall and Cid are there)  
Cid: Oh, what have I done, Squall?! I'm going to die! There's no way I can beat NORG!  
Squall: Sure you can, Cid. You just need to seriously buck up first.  
Cid: How? Squall, can you help me train?!  
Squall: Um... okay.  
Cid: I'll show that shumi how tough I can be!  
  
(Cut to the Training Center. Squall and Cid are inside)  
Squall: Okay, he'll be here soon.  
Cid: Who?  
Squall: Oh, I invited Zell to join in. He'll teach you everything you need to know about self-defence.  
Zell: (from the hallway) Anyone call for the ultimate fightin' machine?! (walks into the Training Center)  
Squall: Oh, great! You're here!  
Zell: So, you're gonna kick some shumi ass, huh Cid? I don't blame you. I hate that ugly Jabba the Hutt clone, too.  
Cid: (to Zell) Teach me how to fight like you!  
Zell: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can't 'teach' you how to fight like me! Although I can give you some hot tips, which should enable you to fight like, let's say, Squall, for example.  
Cid: Well...?  
Zell: Okay, first of all you gotta get some decent threads!  
Cid: You're making fun of the way I dress?!  
Zell: Hell yeah! You've gotta change the outfit if you're gonna stand any kind of chance against NORG!  
Cid: All right. Squall, get me some new clothes.  
Squall: (sighs) I'm on my way. (walks off)  
Zell: Okay, while Squall's gone I'm gonna teach you a quick trick that's GUARANTEED to bring you an early victory. Now, run at me.  
Cid: Pardon?  
Zell: Run at me! Come at me with everything you got! I need to see you in action!  
Cid: I... I can't attack my own students! W... What if the Garden Faculty ever found out?! I'd be ruined!  
Zell: Look, you have to do this, or we can't continue.  
Cid: V... Very well...  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Squall is walking back to the Training Center with a new outfit for Cid)  
Squall: #Rinoa, I love you. Rinoa, I do-  
Cid: (from inside the Training Center) Die, bastard! Die!  
Zell: (from inside the Training Center) Whoa! Sh--------it! Calm down, dude! Ow! You ripped my penis off! Aaagh!  
Squall: Oh, boy...  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria, the next day. Squall, Zell and Cid (who is wearing a white T-shirt and a pair of blue shorts) are all there)  
Cid: (punching thin air) Boom! Take that! Bang! Yeah!  
Squall: What on earth did you do to him, Zell? (Zell laughs nervously)  
Cid: C'mon, dudes! It's time for the fight! I'm ready to get down on my bad self!  
Squall: ...  
  
(Cut to the Training Center. Rinoa, Irvine, Selphie, Quistis, Seifer, Raijin, Fujin, NORG, the Garden Faculty, Nida, Xu and a bunch of other students are waiting there)  
Selphie: Wow! I've never seen this place so crowded!  
Irvine: This fight is gonna be mega!  
Quistis: Violence is never an answer...  
Irvine: Quiet you!  
Rinoa: Who'd be crazy enough to want to fight that horrible creature?  
Selphie: Ooh, look! Here come's the headmaster!  
Squall: (he, Zell and Cid all walk in) It still isn't too late to change your mind, Cid.  
Zell: Yes, it is. You pull out now and we're gonna get killed.  
Squall: What are you talking about, Zell?  
Zell: (laughs nervously) I, uh, kinda let everyone take a bet on who they wanted to win... Cid or NORG.  
Squall: WHAT?! You made this whole fight into some kinda sleazy bet?!  
Zell: ...yeah. So basically, if the fight doesn't go forward, then everyone loses their money, and we, uh, we get our asses kicked in.  
Squall: Zell, you're an idiot.  
NORG: So, you finally showed up, huh Cid? I thought you were going to chicken out like the little chicken you are!  
Cid: Drop dead, slug!  
NORG: Ooh, big words for such a little man! Where'd you learn 'em?!  
Cid: Less talk, more fawlk!  
NORG: I like your attitude! I'm looking forward to breaking your weak human neck! (they both get into their fighting stance; Nida is the referee)  
Nida: Okay, I want a good clean fight! Let's get it on! (backs off)  
Cid: I'm going to tear you apart!  
NORG: (laughs) Dream on, fatty! (Cid kicks him in the stomach) Oof! (grabs Cid by the arm and lifts him up into the air)  
Cid: Whoa! (tries to punch NORG with his free hand, but NORG is quicker and slaps him in the face a few times with his other tentacle-like hand)  
NORG: Ha ha ha ha!  
Cid: You're (SLAP) not supposed to (SLAP) hit a man with (SLAP) glasses!  
NORG: (laughs) You're unreal, bookworm! (Cid manages to wriggle free and drop back down to the ground)  
Zell: C'mon Cid, do it like I told you! (Cid jumps onto NORG and tries to pin him down, but NORG easily pulls him off and leaves him to dangle in mid air)  
NORG: Can't you do better than that?!  
Cid: (struggling) Get... off... me!  
NORG: I knew you wouldn't stand a chance!  
Cid: (struggling) I'm... not licked... yet! (Cid kicks NORG in the face, but NORG recovers quickly and throws him across the room)  
NORG: It's time to die, Kramer! (advances on Cid)  
Selphie: Quick! Get up, Cid!  
Rinoa: Look out! You're going to get killed!  
Cid: (rubs his head) Ow... did anyone get the number of that airship?  
NORG: (catches up to Cid and picks him up once more) I'm hungry! And I believe it's lunchtime! (opens his mouth and prepares to swallow Cid)  
Rinoa: Oh, my God! He's going to eat him! Somebody do something!  
Squall: Whoa, I'd love to help him, but I'm havin' too much fun!  
Zell: Seriously, Squall, we should help.  
Selphie: And fast!  
NORG: (to Cid) Mmm, I can almost taste you!  
Cid: (groans) Wh... What's going on...?  
NORG: Over the teeth and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!  
Squall: Stop!  
NORG: Huh?  
Squall: You... You can't eat him!  
NORG: And why not?!  
Squall: Uh, um... Rule #296.  
NORG: ...no shumi may eat any human member of Garden.  
Squall: Yes. So if you eat Cid, then you'll violate one of Balamb Garden's oldest rules!  
NORG: (remains silent for a short while) Sue me! (swallows Headmaster Cid; everyone gasps in horror)  
Xu: Ugh...  
Selphie: Ew!  
Zell: Sick, man!  
Irvine: Disgusting...  
Rinoa: ...  
Nida: ...and the winner is NORG! Congratulations!  
NORG: Ha ha ha ha! Now that Headmaster Cid is gone, I am master of the entire Garden! Bow down to your new leader, SeeD! Ha ha ha ha!  
Selphie: (to Zell) I am NOT taking orders from HIM!  
NORG: Those who refuse will die a slow and painful death! Ha ha ha ha!  
Selphie: (to Zell) Like I said, I'll never disobey that guy!  
Squall: Poor Cid... What a way to go...  
  
(Cut to NORG's stomach. Cid slides down towards the stomach acids)  
Cid: Ugh! Where the hell am I? (THUMP-THUMP...THUMP-THUMP) My, God! Am I inside NORG?! Holy hell, he wasn't lying when he said he'd eat me! I... I've got to get out of here! Help! Help! Somebody help!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the Training Centre. Everyone has crowded around NORG)  
Squall: Cid?! He... He must be still alive in there!  
Selphie: Gross!  
NORG: Pipe down, bookworm! (punches his own stomach)  
Cid: (from inside NORG) Ow! You son of a bitch!  
NORG: Don't worry, everyone. He'll be digested soon! Ha ha ha ha!  
Squall: ...  
  
(Cut to NORG's stomach. Cid is trying to escape)  
Cid: What the hell am I supposed to do?! How the hell am I going to get out?! Think back to biology class, Cid! I know! I've got it! All I have to do is- (slips into the stomach acids) Aaagh! It burns! It burns!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the Training Center)  
NORG: (burps) Oops, there he went! Ha ha ha ha! Mmm, tastes like chicken!  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. The old fart is asleep at his desk. He wakes up with a start)  
Cid: Ahh! Oh, it was just a dream! Phew, and what a dream!  
Squall: (walks into the room) Headmaster Cid, you wanted to speak with me?  
Cid: Huh? Oh, the loudspeaker broadcast? Uh, no, nevermind. I'll deliver the document to NORG personally. You go back to class.  
Squall: ...whatever. (leaves the room)  
Cid: (to himself) I'm hungry...  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
